Wednesday, 7 November 2012

I am.

I say a lot of things that offend people or make them hate me.

It's not my fault.

Except, it kind of is.
  1. I am not a hardline conservative. I am fiscally moderate. I believe government regulation can be a good thing but not to the point where it deprives people of what they've rightfully earned. I don't believe in "You don't need that gun/drug/other choice you make, so let's ban it."
  2. I am actually very liberal. I harbor an extreme dislike of religion and what it has done to our country. I don't understand, though, why we need "gay rights" and "women's rights" and "black rights" or whatever. Why not "human rights?" A few obvious exceptions - men don't need the right to have an abortion, naturally, and blacks don't need the right to marry another black person - but the fact that equality is so scarce in this country frightens and saddens me deeply. When I look at someone, I don't see a black man or a white woman or a gay Asian. I see people, and it frustrates me to no end that those we put in power don't see it the same way.
  3. I am not anti-drug. I am anti-drug-abuse. Whatever works for you. I say people who resort to drugs aren't strong enough to face the real world without them. I never said I'm not one of those people. In fact, I am. Which leads me to -
  4. I am not mentally stable. I have a form of autism known as Asperger's Syndrome. I also have clinical depression and anxiety disorders which lately have gotten so bad I can barely leave my house. I have terrible, crippling insomnia as well, which is why I barely go to class and feel like total shit all the time.
  5. I am physically disabled. I have chronic back pain as a result of many things, including a type of lumbar deformation known as Scheurmann's Disease. I don't know why it's a "disease" as there is no "cure," but it is what it is. My spinal column is compressed and causes severe pain after long periods of sitting or standing or even lying down. I can't walk very far and stairs are pretty much the devil's invention. 
  6. I am hurt and in pain. Mental anguish, physical pain, you name it. When one doesn't sleep, one suffers. I do sleep, but it's a terrible quality of sleep and I feel worse than before when I wake up. I try to disguise it but I usually fail. 
  7. I am miserably lonely. I have never been with a girl and my current relationship causes more pain than happiness. I have almost no friends and they leave twice as quickly as they come. All I want is to make my friends happy. I want to be there for them. I want them to lean on me because I know I am a good listener and sometimes I can even provide advice! I don't expect anything in return. I don't expect them to want me to confide in them, I don't expect them to hold me up, I don't expect blowjobs. Nothing like that. I am fairly selfless. I can't control the problems in my life by myself, but I can be there for others. I'd hope they'd be there for me too, but I don't demand anything of my friends beyond that they are my friends.
  8. I am not a hypocrite. As I said, I am not anti-drug. I believe that some things work for others, but not me. I have smoked marijuana before. It is terrible. It smells terrible, it feels terrible, and the results are terrible. It is not a drug for me. It makes me throw up and feel like dying. If it works for you, do it. I don't care. I have smoked cigarettes since I was 15. I smoke because I like it. I know the risks and it doesn't bother me. I have quit cold-turkey before and would do so again if need be. I like the taste and sensation. That's enough. I have been drinking since 18. I drink because, as I said, I am not strong enough to deal with the real world in social situations. Alcohol makes the autism shit go away. It fades and for once, I can be normal. I have a bizarrely high tolerance and have never experienced what people call "a hangover." In fact, when I drink at night, I feel great in the morning. I wake up super early and get lots of work done. Even whilst intoxicated, I am productive and happy and incidentally great at Chinese. I feel confident and have no inhibitions and am the life of the party. No one realizes I am "drunk." Even after more than ten shots of liquor, I just seem like a more grounded and normal version of myself. I have to drink to feel real. 
  9. I am not an alcoholic. I only drink on weekends with friends. I never drink alone in my room (or anywhere). I don't see the point. I go months (in the summer)  without drinking. I don't need it to survive. I need it to feel normal.
  10. I am not okay. I lose friends because no one likes being around someone as damaged as I am. I need a lot of serious help. I recognize this.
  11. I am not suicidal. Something tells me I still have a lot to live for. I have no idea why. I am failing school and friendships and relationships and life in general. I can't sleep and don't eat and do terribly on tests even when I take notes and study. I have no meaningful relationships in my life and the few people I would want to be with won't even entertain the idea. One even told me that it would ruin our friendship, which broke my heart. But I am not a threat to myself. I wouldn't even know how to do that! I don't have the means. Plus suicide is selfish, and if you've gleaned anything from this, you know I am not selfish.