Tuesday, 30 November 2010

College Loves Me

It's a bit too late for this, perhaps.

By "late" I don't mean what the clock says. It is nearly 0100 hours and I have class at 0930, but have not run into any problems with missing Chinese in favor of sleep.

By "late," I mean what the calendar says. It is November 30th (or at least, it has been for about 40 minutes), meaning that on Wednesday it will be December, and 2010 will fast be drawing to a close.

This begs the cliché question - where did the time go?

Did anyone notice I have made only one blog post the whole time I've been at college?

The first semester is almost over, yet the second semester is still rather far off. Thanksgiving break is over, too, having passed by all too fast while still fulfilling what it needed to. In the odd period of time between now and the beginning of my winter holiday, which is well over a month long, I've got almost nothing to do. It would appear as though I have two final exams alongside two papers to write (for one class). I'm still not sure how well that all will go, but there have yet to be any problems.

In fact, for all I am doing and have done here at college, there is very little to write about. I've encountered about as many roadblocks as I'd expected - obstinate people and financial insecurity to name a few - but perhaps it's a reflection on my realistic expectations and overall preparedness that I feel as though college is simply the next step up. Not 13th grade, not overwhelming-workload-place. Pretty much exactly what I expected, I'm getting.

Naturally, there are a slew of things no one could anticipate or plan for. How was I to know, for instance, that my MacBook would die after being here for less than a month? And how could I have possibly imagined the toll that distance can take on relationships? 

Resolution rises from the ashes of conflict and confrontation. It always does. There are so many reasons for which I'm thankful I found Gabriel, for one. It is hard to believe we've been together for nearly a year now. I suspect the strength of our relationship is founded in our ability to resolve any issue through a form of malleable compromise in which neither party feels put-upon or disadvantaged. No argument between us ever ends with a clear winner or loser, something of which I've become acutely aware given the growing tension between my father and me.

It's hard to find solace in knowing what someone does for me while knowing what he stands for, always aware of the conflicts and increasingly pessimistic that we will ever find common ground. 

Gabriel represents everything I've unconsciously been searching for in a person, a fact I've only just begun to realize as the physical distance between us forces me to come to terms with the degree of reliance we now have upon each other. He's as much a part of my life as my laptop or my daily coffee - a comparison seemingly unflattering, initially, but think about it. My laptop is always there and always reliable, a powerful entity that does exactly what I need it to, often without my asking it. My daily coffee, well...that's just a given. Hence, comparisons to boyfriend. Being away at college has made me realize what it means to be interdependent and revealed the immense benefits it affords.

College is supposed to be a time to find yourself. Everyone starts from the proverbial "clean slate." No one knows anyone initially. It's a chance to forge new friendships, find a new niche, expand your horizons, change or eliminate your comfort zone. The independence of college life is the catalyst for molding you into the person the world will eventually know. 

Initially, I was a bit worried. I admit it - what if I didn't "find myself" at all, or what if I found myself to be exactly what I thought I was? That is, what if the person I thought I was in high school is actually who I am?

Of course, that's not true. First of all, the person I was in high school is actually the person I was during my senior year, with a few select parts of the person I was in my junior year. Nothing else counts for anything in the long term. For all intents and purposes, I was a nobody. I have little to no recollection of my first two years in high school, and I barely remember any of middle school and anything prior to that. Medically, that can be explained...that sounds ominous, doesn't it?

A big concern was, perhaps, that I would "find myself" in an environment devoid of anything familiar to me - family, friends, relationships, pastimes, fixtures of my home life, et cetera. Luckily, this looks not to be the case, as I've found that the college environment affords many more opportunities to appreciate what I may or may not have left behind. I believe it was Socrates who said that "a man is the sum of his convictions," a permutation of which I frequently use: "all your past experiences and actions have shaped how your present and future actions will affect your future experiences."

In a sense, it's been proven to me that you can't know where you're going unless you know where you've been. You are who you were; you will be who you will be. 

I wish I could write more, I really do. It is getting rather late, though (according to the clock this time.)

Sorry for the ridiculous lack of activity on my DeviantArt page. I have quite literally done nothing in the last month and a half.

Also check out the new layout of this blog. I'm going to make a new logo soon, too. In fact, I'll be doing a lot, including making a bunch of computer-related posts and showing you how I've tweaked my system(s) to be optimal performance machines.

And of course, more semi-personal, quasi-philosophical stuff. Whatever people will enjoy reading - I'll write it.


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